


illicit affairs and clandestine meetings

by Loubylou



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Feels, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, F/M, I Made Myself Cry, Implied/Reference pregnancy, Implied/Referenced Cheating, No HEA, This song consumed me, sorry - Freeform, taylor swift made me do it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:07:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25516255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loubylou/pseuds/Loubylou
Summary: This couldn’t happen again. This had to stop. It wasn’t fair on anyone, even more so now.A fic based on 'illicit affairs' by Taylor Swift.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Kylo Ren/Ben Solo
Comments: 11
Kudos: 24





	illicit affairs and clandestine meetings

**Author's Note:**

> After hearing Folklore I felt compelled to write this. This is my third fic and my first attempt at some type of angst. Tbh I've made myself cry, so hopefully, it's ok.

“Make sure nobody sees you leave

Hood over your head

Keep your eyes down

Tell your friends you're out for a run

You'll be flushed when you return”

  
  


This couldn’t happen again. This had to stop. It wasn’t fair on anyone, even more so now. No, they couldn’t carry on. So why had she lied to her husband this morning? Again. Why was she pulled to someone else’s side? She didn’t think herself to be a bad person, nevertheless here she was on her way to another mans home. This man, in particular, should have been off-limits; not just because she was married to someone else, but because of the bond her husband and her lover shared. 

They were friends. They were family. They were brothers, TWINS, for heaven’s sake. 

Yet she found herself making the all to familiar journey to his home. Tonight would be different she promised herself. Tonight she had to make him see that this was madness. This, whatever this had become, couldn’t go on any longer. It would ruin them both. No. There was more than just the two of them that would be destroyed if their liaisons became common knowledge.

  
  


“Take the road less traveled by

Tell yourself you can always stop

What started in beautiful rooms

Ends with meetings in parking lots”

  
  


She’d never meant for anything to come of that kiss. She’d kissed him that way before, countless times. He’s her brother-in-law, that’s what family does right? Cheek kisses? That's what tv had made her believe. Why then had he moved his head at the last moment and captured her lips in a small kiss that felt like it held the promise of more? She’d blushed and profusely apologised, but he’d just said there was no need to be so sorry. He’d liked it.

HE’D LIKED IT. What was she supposed to do with that information?! In hindsight that had been the catalyst that had thrown them irrefutably towards each other. It had sparked a yearning that had become all-consuming. Though she had tried for a long time to deny herself any lingering thoughts about how his plump lips had felt in the few seconds that they had been connected. Those same lips were mirrored on the face of her husband, she’d kissed them and more, a million times over. Though maybe they were a little rougher than his brothers? 

  
  


“And that's the thing about illicit affairs

And clandestine meetings

And longing stares”

  
  


She buzzed the intercom, and before it finished it’s tinny refrain the door clicked open. He’s eager. He has no idea what she’s here for is not their usual rendezvous. He has had no way to prepare himself for what she has to say. He’s still living in that moment of pure excitement before his girl gets to him. But she’s not his. Can’t be. Never was. She belongs to his echo. His little brother by all of 6 minutes. 

She knows that by taking the stairs up to the fifth-floor she's stalling what she’s sure to be a heartbreaking discussion. But she just wants to hover on this side of the precipice before she unlades her soul at his feet. In this peace before she unleashes a storm that may never end. No matter how set her mind is on drawing an end to this entanglement, her heart isn’t quite ready. 

  
  


“It's born from just one single glance

But it dies and it dies and it dies

...a million little times”

  
  


When she’d chosen her outfit this morning before work she’d made sure that it would fit with what she hoped was the last lie she would need to tell her husband. That she had a late meeting followed by wining and dining with some new clients. A sensible pantsuit with practical shoes. Professional. Hiding the inner whore that she felt inside. 

Reaching the landing of the fifth floor came sooner than she had hoped mentally, though not soon enough physically. She needed to get back to the gym if climbing 60 stairs were causing her this much difficulty. Refusing to think any further on real the reason why her heart was beating a fierce tattoo against her ribs, why her breath had become laboured even before she’d put her foot on the first step, why she was shaking like the proverbial leaf.

  
  


“Leave the perfume on the shelf

That you picked out just for him

So you leave no trace behind

Like you don't even exist”

  
  


When her fingers make contact with the cool metal of the door handle, it eases open to show her lover standing in the inner doorway. His unconventional face had split in two by the huge smile that only she ever seemed to be the recipient of. It made his cheeks crease with dimples and the wrinkles curl around his wondrous brown eyes. It was by these eyes that one could tell the difference between the brothers. Her husbands were a deeper brown than the man in front of her. The heterochromia contained within his intense orbs made them sparkle like a kaleidoscope in the midday sun; precious jewels the colour of amber honey, umber whiskey, and toasted hazelnut. 

Before she could get a word out, his lips were on hers. Tongue begging entrance into her mouth. Hands traversing the curves of her body that he had explored in a myriad of ways. She could feel herself starting to ease into his kisses, his touch. Him. 

  
  


“Take the words for what they are

A dwindling, mercurial high

A drug that only worked

The first few hundred times”

  
  


Could she allow herself one more time with him? Maybe she could tell him afterwards, or another day? No! She had to do this today. Now. She brought her hands up to the soft material of his black jumper and tried to push him back. Hoping to create some space so she could get her thoughts back in check. But her companion had only seen her push as a playful admonition of his advances and continued his previous tasks with renewed fervour. 

“Ben,” she tried to say against his mouth as he peppered her lips with kisses, but she wasn’t sure he’d heard her. “Ben, please stop! We need to talk.” This time her words were heard, and her request was met. He stopped his kisses and stalled the wandering of his hands, but didn’t remove them from her body.

  
  


“And that's the thing about illicit affairs

And clandestine meetings

And stolen stares”

  
  


Now she had his full attention. She felt small under his passionate gaze, but she needed to get this whole situation dealt with, and she didn’t know how much resolve she still had to complete her essential mission. 

“Talk? We usually get to the ‘talking’ section of our activities much later on.” He teased. This earned him a disapproving scowl. “Okay, not in a playing mood? C’mon, let’s sit and talk.” He said as he took her hand and walked them over to the sofa. His face had drastically changed from the one she’d been met with mere minutes ago. Now instead of his cheeks creasing with dimples of joy, it was his strong brow that was furrowed with questioning wonderment. 

  
  


“They show their truth one single time

But they lie and they lie and they lie

...a million little times”

  
  


“I’ll stand. I’m not staying.” She said with as much confidence as she could muster. He huffed in response as he took a seat. She now felt as though all the words she ever knew had melted away and slid out of her ear. What was she here for again? All her heart wanted her to do was stride over to meet him on the sofa and climb into his lap, taking her place astride his legs. Kissing him until she forgot her name. But that could never happen again. Maybe in their next life. So she mustered as much courage as she could find within herself and said the next words as quickly and clearly as she could, hoping that she wouldn’t need to repeat herself.

“Ben, this...whole…. _ thing _ between us it’s, er, it’s got to stop….” Now as she continued to speak, the words she’d been practising all day, she felt disconnected from time and space. Aware that someone was still speaking, but couldn’t catch any of the words as they whizzed past her on their way out into the universe. 

  
  


“And you wanna scream

Don't call me kid

Don't call me baby”

  
  


Her disconnected mind floated peacefully through the ether, safe from the emotional trauma that she’d set into being she didn’t know how long ago; seconds, hours, weeks? She followed the interactions as if she were watching an animated emotional drama unfold in a theatre. Two lovers in a heated argument. Caught between doing what felt right, and what was good. 

Every so often words made their way through the fog of her mind. Phrases such as - “why now,” “you can’t be serious,” “no, no you said he couldn’t have kids,” “Rey this can’t be his.” And the very worst word that she had ever heard…. “ _ Please _ .”

  
  


“Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me

You showed me colours you know I can't see with anyone else”

  
  


With that utterance, the haze in her consciousness cleared slightly and her eyes began to hold focus again. Finally pulling away from the seafoam coloured wall that had held her vision captive. When had he got off the sofa? Why was he on his knees? Clinging to her blazer as if it were a life jacket, not a simple item of clothing. It was done. She’d bared all to him and now it was time to do the truly hard part and walk away; from what was probably the best damn thing she’d had in her entire life. 

  
  


“Don't call me kid

Don't call me baby

Look at this idiotic fool that you made me

You taught me a secret language I can't speak with anyone else”

  
  


Well, that would change in a few months. Soon she’d be too busy to dwell on a love unlived. She would be at someone else’s beck and call, and she couldn’t wait. His breath was hot on her still smooth belly as he sobbed, his tears soaking her blouse. Not that she needed to worry, the blouse would wash just fine. She knew she needed to break contact now. Physically, as well as emotionally, but maybe a few more minutes in his warm arms would be ok. She’d already ripped away his lover, maybe he could keep his child in his embrace for a moment longer.

  
  


“And you know damn well

For you I would ruin myself

...a million little times”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Sorry. :'''(


End file.
